Who am I?

Who am I?

I ask and ask many times and I step back, but nothing comes.

I stay and say it is okay. It is okay if nothing comes, just stay.

I drift off and remember something I have read yesterday — ‘we must defend your dwelling place in us to the last’, so I come back.

I ask again, and wait.

Then I remember a lovely note from a friend — “it’s okay and enjoy life,” he says — this makes me smile.

Enjoy life — yes! The smile keeps growing.

I think this is enough and I think I will finish my inner inquiry.

Then I come across a poem and I am moved by the line – “Close your eyes and follow your breath to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home.”

I pause again and follow my breath — a feeling is coming in my body. It’s big!

It is like a feeling of ecstasy, it is scary and nice and I am allowing it.

I remember the support of the chair. It feels like I am allowing life to flow in me and it is so beautiful and light and uplifting. I can still feel it now, it is tingling and buzzing with life.

“Let life happen to you,” says Rilke.

Perhaps I am the vehicle for the life that is longing to live in me. Or am I the life I felt moving in me. I don’t know. But I like it.

Life is happening in me.

Note authors of my inspiration in order: Etty Hillesum, Rainer Maria Rilke and Teresa of Avila